Captain Anna Flynn Signing Out

It is crazy to think that my last cross-country season just ended. It honestly feels surreal. I have always loved running. I used to run the mile loop around my neighborhood almost everyday back in middle school. I remember timing myself and trying to beat that time the next loop around. 

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When I was a freshman, I was scared to start running in high school because everyone was so tall and looked so much older and faster than me. I was not sure what to expect. What if I was not good enough? What if I was too slow? I ended up only worrying about this rather than enjoying it for what running really is for me… an escape from worries. I was putting my fears into what originally took away all my nerves. Even though my freshman season was many years ago, I still vividly remember certain aspects of it. I remember helping put together senior gifts and running to the park and back with teammates who made me laugh so hard we had to stop. I remember having the privilege of being the girls Scholar-Athlete and telling my teammates all about my school day.  Unfortunately, I remember hurting my knee and being unable to run a few meets. This made me upset with my performances, and I felt as if I was not good enough. One of my coaches gave me a special book that season all about racing and mindset— I still have it in my room today. 

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Over the summer going into my sophomore year, I found the joy of running again. I was determined to work hard to better myself and see results. For instance, I would wake up early and make sure I got in a run that I felt good about. I found happiness in running to the high school (2.57 miles away from my house) and doing repeats on the track then running home. As a result, I had a wonderful season filled with memories that I reminisce about when I look at my pictures all over my walls and the newspaper articles my mom proudly put up on my kitchen door. I can confidently say I shaved off five minutes of my 5k time in one season. In addition, I have memories of running in the rain with the upperclassmen and singing out loud; furthermore, I remember Coach George posting about it on his blog that evening. Those moments are the moments I will cherish forever. Nothing is more special than the times that remind you why you do what you do. I love running with this team because they always remind me that running produces happiness. (Your body produces endorphins, which gives athletes that “runner’s high.” It’s true! I learned it in psychology).

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Then the pandemic hit. Having something change your schedule and cause you to battle challenges you never thought you would have to face can result in various outcomes. For me, it caused increased anxiety, and that made some things not so fun anymore. 

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Due to the fact there was no Spring Track in 2020, there was more time for cross-country training. I utilized my opportunity to train hard and focus on running during quarantine. For example, I did long runs, fast runs, and weight training in my little gym in my basement. This was extraordinarily a mental and physical battle, but it gave me something to work on during the trouble that was quarantine. In addition, I received a captain’s title for the 2020 season, which caused me to be even more excited for the season. However, my season was not what I was hoping for. I suffered through severe race anxiety that caused me to breakdown; I already lost before I even started. There were meets I did not even finish. To add to the pain, I hurt my hip. Specifically, my doctor said if I had not come in right then, I would have not been able to run again for a very… very long time. By the end of the season, I felt as if my job was not done yet. I felt like I did not accomplish anything at all. Personally, I felt defeated by running. 

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These emotions followed me through track as well. Everything going on in my life was still taking over my mind even when I was out doing my sport. I kept asking myself, “How can I make this stop?”

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During summer training for my senior year of cross-country, I worked on mindfulness and coping skills for race anxiety. Running turned into a challenge of my mind rather than physical skill. I would wake up early on easy run days to run before work, and I would go straight to the track on workout days. Now it was time to see what I could do in my last cross-country season ever. 

But then I was faced with the same battle. Why couldn’t I work through a race? What was stopping me from reaching my potential? Answer: fear of failure. I have a fear of failure. 

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At the start line, the idea of not having a perfect race would take over my mind, and I did not know how to control it all. So, my goal was to fix my mindset. However, this takes more than ten minutes… trust me I have tried to fix it quickly before. I decided to make a commitment to understanding that it was all in my head; I was determined to better my mental health. 

I looked into ways to work on how to react to my anxiety symptoms, and I even reached out to a few people. 

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Finally, I decided I needed to take off my running watch. It is crazy to think that one little thing does the trick. I then began to see new results that I never thought I could have accomplished. I finally achieved my Personal Record goal, and I helped push my teammates to their own. 

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I will forever remember this moment: I was running the Patriot League Cross-Country Championship meet, and I was not wearing my watch because I did not want to have any expectations for myself. I began the race feeling strong and brave. Throughout the race, I began to pick up pace, and by mile two I noticed that I was going incredibly fast for my normal pace. I did not slow down. Eventually, I moved up a few spots, and I was next to one of my teammates and co-captain. I said to her, “Come on! Don’t give up! If I am confident and can run this, so can you! Let’s go!” We battled through the last 200 meters of the race, and we both got new PRs. The exciting yet exhausting feeling of crossing that finish line will forever be in my memories. To even make that meet better, my team placed second coming behind an impressive state team. 

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So, I need to wrap this post up. Hmmmm. I don’t know how to finish. Maybe I don’t know how to finish because I don’t want my high school years of cross-country to be over. I am going to miss the pasta parties, the team sleepovers and the energy of the finish line at invitationals. Most of all, I am going to miss the teammates that turned into family and the coaches that turned into inspirational individuals to look up to. Even though my cross-country years did have their ups and downs, I will never regret joining the sport that helped shape me into the young woman I am today. Well, now it is Winter Track season, so that means…

See you at the track @2:30. 

Thank you Whitman-Hanson Cross-Country for these past amazing four years. I will forever be grateful for this program. Go Panthers! 

Captain Anna Flynn signing out. ♡

Here is a reminder that your self worth is NOT defined by your academic or athletic performance. Take a moment to breathe. You matter.